101 Ways To Kill a Cho
by The J
Summary: It all starts with a flock of owls... and ends with a seires of irrelevant events... A stroy of Deaths, love, triumph, action, spells, magic, heros, moose, chipolatas and randomizations. A must read story for all Cho haters
1. It started with a flock of owls

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_**I am no J.K.Rowling as i am very proudly The J! This stroy was inspired by a tale i told my friends**_

_**It is a wonderful story however i will warn you now that it dose have the death on some people, manly Cho, And i do feel it is my duty to warn people that this story has some quite... deathly bits, moose and some rather random bits.**_

_**the next chapter of this story is, i must say, even better so be sure to read on even if you don't like this one, which of course you will! **_

_**So i introduce to you...**_

**_101 ways to kill _**

**_a Cho Chang_**

**_Way number 1 ----It started with a flock of owls…_**

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Cho Chang stood on top of the tallest tower at Hogwarts crying (as usual). It was the third day of the first term and already she couldn't take it. Cedric was still gone, and as hard as she had looked and experimented, she couldn't bring him back from the dead. And now back at school she saw Harry didn't want her. He wouldn't even talk to her with out his… posse. She had comforted herself with the though that if Harry didn't want her then he must be gay. She looked up and over the turret, and crept closer to the edge. Tears stained her face literally. She had cried so much that even when she wasn't, it looked like she had tears running down her face. 'No one likes me,' she thought, and she was absolutely right. Except maybe Victor. Over the holidays Hermione had given her his address hoping it would cheer her up. Cho loved him like no one else (just like Harry and Cedric) but Victor was still obsessed with _HER. _She climbed up and sat on the turret, loving the feel of the wind in her tangled mess of hair. She closed her eyes and after a few minutes she herd a swish of wings and opened her eyes just in time to see the flock of school owls flying staring for her. The owls had a crazed look in their big glossy eyes. The head owl gave a mad, evil hoot and commanded the owls to swoop. You see, the new head owl was in charge of ridding the school of all those who were unworthy of living or who were just a pain in the butt. They swooped, all 346.89 of them. Cho screamed but there was no escape. The evil eyed owl's swooshed her of the tallest tower and she fell…..

And fell……

And fell……

And fell……

And fell……

And hit a conveniently placed spiking thing that spears her through. (She is at this stage still alive)

She fell some more…….

More ….

More ….

More ….

More ….

And more…..

…..Another convenient spiky thing and she hit the ground.

Still alive, but not a sight for the faint hearted. She was torn and bloodied. Her hair had actually turned a nice deep red colour and in any other circumstances would have been very attractive, her back was broken but she was still alive. She was Picked up by the evil eyed owls and carried into the Forbidden Forest. She lifted her ruined head again, just in time to see a heard of hippogriffs charging at her.

The hippogriffs weren't actually charging at her, but they were charging at the evil eyed owls, trying to save the moose that the owls were now swooping at. The herd was about 12.456 in numbers so it took a while, but eventually they had all trampled her, but she was of course still alive.

She then did a thing that shook the world. _She managed to stop crying!_ (This was only because her tear glands were broken in the stampeding but it still shook the world) She lay face down in the mud, contemplating her new hair colour. About 3 and ¾ hours later a Hippogriff who was a kind soul found her lying there and decided to take her to Hagrid's hut. Hagrid was at the moment very busy with making his newest pet, a Bemae, comfortable. The kind hearted hippogriff who I shall call Kiny decided to take his "lump of something" to his other master in Australia, she is still alive bear in mind. Kiny grabbed his live lump in his claws and carried her off.

Unfortunately for dear Cho, Kiny was not the brightest chap and he ended up, after 4.7 days of flying, dropping her into an anti-witch protest in Texas. Now after 4.7 days of being clasped in a Hippogriffs claws, our dear Cho had managed to wheedle up some strength. About 1.2 oz of it to be precise. So when she was dropped in what she though was anti-politician rally, she took out her wand and started to blast people, which they didn't really appreciate. Soon her strength was all gone and the personages grabbed her and tried her by the old and never failing witch test discovered so long ago by Arthur King of the Britons who was so wise about Sparrows.

Witches burn and so does wood, wood floats and so do moose, so if she weighed as much as a moose she must be a witch. She was placed on the hi-tech scales and was pronounced the same weight as a moose. The crowd cheered as they tied Cho to the stake in the middle of the place they were. As the flames licked at her feet, she tried to put a shield around her but was too weak. So with nothing else to do she managed to do the thing she did best, she managed to cry.

When she was little she had a spell cast on her, the thing she wanted to do the most she would always be able to do. She cried better then she had ever cried before but it was too late to save her when the fire had totally consumed her body. Only her bones were left and everybody left, talking about what a great day it had been. They had never expected to see a real burning. Cho at this stage was naturally still alive.

Summoning her strength she rolled her bones into the sewers, not knowing that they had just been contaminated with hydrochloric acid. Her bones were slowly disintegrated into milliscopic bits and gradually washed out to sea. Strangely as her "bits" washed out into the ocean, all her possessions (even her pet Iguana and fish Blinkly) spontaneously combusted in a puff of teal and kaki coloured smoke.

And so it was that every trace of Cho was erased from the face of the earth and everything was safe from her influence. But can anything really be destroyed? You can never be too sure at what might happen next in this fanatical world we call our home

As the last "bit" of Cho fled to the comfort of the sea, a Girl all in black faced the horizon and gave a faint nod. She tossed her sleek deep reddish black hair over her shoulder and headed up the beach and disappeared…

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_And so it was that every trace of Cho was erased from the face of earth and safe from her influence. But can anything really be destroyed? You can never be to sure at what might happen next in this fanatical world we call our home. who knows what could happen next?_

_I do._

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**Writen By The One and Only --- The J **


	2. The Incarnate

_**I am not J.K.Rowling as you all know becasue she probably wouldn't have people singing Chipolata-ish Song to themselfs... But i DO**_

_**So Please read it and enjoy!**_

_**None of the Harry Potter people are mine but all other original people and animals and mooses are mine **_

_**So with out further ado...**_

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101 ways to slay

**A Cho**

**Way Number 2 ---- The Cho Incarnate**

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Harry Potter sat in the Gryffindor common room in the pretence of doing homework. Hermione had finished (of course) and was helping Ron (if that was possible). He was puzzling over something and he couldn't really put his finger on it. Something had gone, but he didn't know what. It had been a lot quieter. And somehow dryer? 'Dry,' he thought, 'that means missing something wet, wet like water… like tears!' Cho…he hadn't seen her for weeks.

"Hermione, have you seen Cho lately?"

She looked up, stress showing on her face. She was only ever stressed when trying to make Ron understand a simple problem,

"No…apparently she has left for some… rehabilitation…"

Ron opened his mouth to ask was redeliberation was but thought better. Harry smiled sadly for Cho and went to bed strangely elated.

The next morning while all the school was at breakfast (except Jay (a 6th year Slytherin) who had fallen down a moving staircase and broken her legs.) As every one was eating pancakes, mushrooms and grapefruit, the doors flung open with a crash of thunder (it was raining) and there stood a Girl. She strode pompously over to Dumbledore and whispered something to him. There was such a racket from the hundreds of students as they were talking and gossiping, that no one heard what was said. She turned around and her blood red hair swayed with her movement and faced the assembled Hogwartiens.

A hush spread over the hall as one by one every one recognised who she was.

Cho, yes her hair was different, but she looked somehow like a totally different person. Her face had a smeeky (smug/cheeky) smirk on it and her eyes glowed with an unseen power. She wore the Hogwarts robes but they were fitted to reveal all her "figure". She headed over to the Ravenclaw table and started eating.

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Harry was just walking out of the hospital wing after having a nice chat to Jay (maybe Slytherins weren't all that bad) When he heard noise coming from an empty classroom. The door was ajar, and being the nosy person he was, he poked his head around to see who it was. It was Cho, and she was standing in the middle of the room in a circle of candles wearing rather … revealing clothes or actually cloth. She was chanting a strange chant and dancing a strange dance. Harry hurried to the common room having a feeling that something was wrong. That night he slept uneasily for he kept thinking of Cho and her… ritual (but not in that way.)

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In the morning while walking around the lake, he told Ron and Hermione everything (just like he always does). Ron was stunned then asked for more details of the... ritual, Hermione looked around her and made sure no one was following, then smiled a strange, little, insane smile.

"Well you know what's happened then, don't you?" Her eyes lit up and you could see a plan forming in her brain.

"Um… That she's gone mental?" offered Ron helpfully. Hermione smiled again, "Exactly." Ron stumbled at the thought of Hermione actually agreeing with him.

"Now here's what we do…"

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He strode up to her with a strange ease, he had none of the normal butterflies. She stoped and smiled as she waited for him to catch up to her. 

"Hurry up!" she said impatiently, as it was nearly dinnertime

"Hi" was all he said. "What do you want?" she asked bluntly getting straight to the point. "If we may?" He replied, opening the door to the Room of Requirement.

Inside she saw it was set up like a United Nations board meeting. She smiled in amusement and entered the conference room ready for negotiations.

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He breathed deeply as he walked down the hall. He looked down the corridor and there she was. She stood at the edge of the group laughing with all her friends. He walked around the others and straight up to her, but as soon as they all saw him they burst out laughing but he didn't back down, he had to do this. 

"Can I talk to you?" he asked slowly. She looked behind her then realised that it was her he was talking to. She smiled and blushed slightly but held up her head proudly and nodded slowly. Another girl (their "leader") motioned to the rest of the group and they all hurried off still giggling. She looked straight at him and smiled shyly.

"Now what can I do for you?"

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She tried to smile charmingly as she headed towards him. She took in a deep breath and walked up to where he was standing throwing rocks into the lake. He smiled in return and headed towards her. She was glad he'd come, she needed him for things to work out in her favour. She loosened the scarf around her neck slightly, she was nervous and sweaty. What if it didn't work out like she wanted it to? She stopped at this thought. Would it all go wrong and her life gets screwed up like it nearly had before? NO, she thought. It would all work out and life would go back to normal, well as normal as it could be. He stopped right in front of her and smiled, she grabbed his hand and smiled back. All she had to do was get rid of_ her._

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The three Gryffindors met each other outside the common room. From the smiles on all their faces it was clear each had successfully completed their tasks. Hermione said briskly "Their all in." Ron turned to the Fat Lady and said the password "Heliotrope."

"What is that anyway?" muttered Harry as they climbed through,

"A kind of mushroom?" Suggested Ron as the trio walked over to their corner.

"Now, how long will we have to wait?" asked Hermione taking out a piece of parchment and quill.

"She said she'd need about a week." Replied Harry, Ron nodded

"A week sounds like good timing; it's a blue moon too." They looked at him with disbelief evident on there faces, He added hastily

"I read it's best to do this sort of thing on a blue moon and thought I'd check it out."

Still shaking his head Harry said

"We'll plain for it to happen next Saturday then?"

"What's happening next Saturday?"

The three turned around to see Ginny standing behind them with one of her friends. She was a tall with red streaked blonde haired girl with eyes that seamed to flicker from grey to green as they pleased.

"Hey Ginny, hey um…." Ron said trying to think what the other girls name was.

"Hilliard." She smiled and said to Ginny

"I finally properly get to meet your brother, it's such an honour!" she bowed mockingly to Ron "We mustn't disturb the masters at work"

The two girls laughed as the left the trio in peace.

"Close one; have you really never met your sisters friend before?" asked Hermione

Ron just shrugged "if I did I can't remember, so next Saturday?" he said hurriedly trying to change the subject.

"We're all meeting tomorrow at the Hogs Head at 12:00 o.k.?" Confirmed Harry, They nodded and all went to bed the plain still running through their heads.

* * *

The next day six Hogwartians sat a filthy table. The golden trio sat on one side and on the other side sat two girls and a ginger haired boy. The First girl was the Slythern Jay. Jay wasn't her real name but for some reason she insisted every one called her that. She was shortish but not tiny and had shortish curly brown hair that bobbed up and down as she moved. Her deep blue eyes carefully studied the people in front of her. The second girl was a Ravenclaw called Nine, again that wasn't her real name. Her real name wasXenophon, so for obvious reasons she adopted the nick name Nine. She was in the least a little obsessive compulsive and did every thing in nine's. She was tall and always wore her hair in two pony tail (exactly symmetrical) with one wisp always escaping, the only thing she could stand unsymmetrical. She looked nervously around her at the filth and was restraining herself from starting to clean everything in sight. The ginger haired boy was of course every ones favorite Weasley, George. He slouched back in his chair and waited for his little brother to start talking.

Ron cleared his throat and began "You know what your all hear for. What we want to know is if you're still willing and able to do what we want."

'What I want to know," interrupted Jay, "Is what's in it for us?"

Ron looked at Harry and Hermione, who nodded,

"What would you like?" he asked cautiously.

Jay gave a typical Slytherine smile "you each owe us a favor when ever, where ever we want."

At this George got that evil glint in his eyes.

Hermione sighed "alright."

"And," continued Jay "we want to know what's going on in FULL."

Hermione sighed and told then the whole story.

When she'd finished Nine nodded her head and said "Everything will be ready for next Saturday, where's it going to happen?"

"In the Room of Requirement," answered Harry promptly. "At 9pm."

Jay and Nine nodded and stood up to leave.

"See you then." Called Jay as she left.

George left after he had finished his drink and the trio slumped back into there chairs. Everything was in place now they just had to wait.

* * *

Jay sat in the Sytherin common room checking the flasks in front of her. 

"What might you be doing at this time of night?" a voice from behind her sneered.

"Nothing that concerns you, Malfoy." She replied "So why don't you go and stop your 'thugs' from eating that."

She pointed to were Crabb and Goyle were about to eat from a pot of glue that looked like a honey pot. After trying to explain why they shouldn't eat glue he returned and examined the flasks. His eyebrows rose as he saw the labels.

"Quite dangerous stuff you got here." He said stating the obvious.

"Mmm…" she murmured "I still need arsenic infused monkshood root." She picked up some paper and wrote something and attached it to her owl. She smiled at Malfoy's confused look as he tried to work out what she was up to.

"Now I just have to wait."

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Nine sat nervously at the Ravenclaw table. She smiled as Cho gently asked her if she was o.k. 

"I'm fine just hungry." She said as she helped herself to some chipolatas. She looked at her watch. 7:30. not long now she told herself. She looked up and saw Jay at the Sytherin table; she looked back at her and winked. Every thing was ready. Seeing her confidence steadied her nerves. She smiled genuinely as she ate a chipolata and hummed a chipolata-ish tune to herself.

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After dinner Ron, Hermione and Harry went straight to the Room of requirement to get everything ready. 

"Do you think this is really going to work?" asked Harry uncertainly

"Of course it will! It's Hermione's plan." Said Ron firmly. "That it wont work is… well… it's inconceivable!"

Hermione smiled "Do you even know what that word means?"

Ron mumbled some explanation as they entered the room and began to set up.

After dinner Nine left the hall with Cho and co. in tow. She turned to the group and said "I've just got to show Cho something, it won't take long you go ahead."

The girls left with out wanting further information and Nine led Cho up the steps.

"Is it something to do with Harry?" asked Cho breathlessly

"You could say that." Replied Nine as the door to the Room of Requirement came into view. Nine took a deep breath and concentrated hard on what she wanted the room to be like, every thing was hanging on the fact that her image was stronger the Cho's. She closed her eyes and saw… diamonds.

Jay sat at the cauldron cool as a cucumber, she didn't doubt that Nine could do it; she wasn't in Ravenclaw for nothing! She looked down at the flask and double checked it. Thank God that her parents didn't insist on checking what she does every second, for some reason she didn't think they'd be to pleased with her resent activities. She heard voices from the corridor; she looked at the Golden trio and smiled,

"It's time."

Nine opened the door and pushed Cho in front of her and right into…

A huge cage, but it wasn't an ordinary cage. It was perfectly symmetrical and made of solid, perfect quality diamonds.

Ron gave a low whistle as he saw the cage.

"Some ones got expensive tastes." Remarked Jay as Nine closed the door behind her and made sure Cho was secure in the cage.

The room looked like a medieval torture room with all the trimmings. Cho was slumped in the cage and was looking around the room in shock.

"What… what's happening?" she asked standing up shakily.  
"We know what you are Cho... But that's not you name is it?" asked Hermione ceremoniously, she then nodded to Jay who pulled out a box of muggle "never fail" matches. She'd decided to use matches which might not be as glamorous but would always work. She struck the match against the box and it didn't light. Swearing she got out another which this time worked. She smiled and flung it into the pool of teal colored liquid at the base of the cage. It burst into kaleidoscope colored smoke which engulfed "Cho". Cho started coughing and then burst out in hysterical laughter.

"You fool! You can't hurt me!' She shrieked!

'Oh, I think we can." Replied Harry as he picked up what looked like a firework and hurled it into cage. It was really a firework (care of George Weasly) but Jay and Nine had managed to infuse into it Revealer Gas (which would reveal her real self if she was using Glamour to change her appearance) and a potent Truth Tonic. "Cho spluttered as it began to take action. Her skin changed to bright red as though she'd been burnt by the sun several times consecutively then thrown in a pit of Lava, her hair changed to black and she grew horns and a pointy tail.

"She" started to make a strange wailing sound that resembled a dieing seal eat a swearing howler monkey.

A bright crimson light engulfed the room, but the group had taken all the necessary steps to prevent her strange Devils magic from working.

"Your devils magic can't work in here." Stated Nine calmly

"What have you done to me!" 'She' screamed as she felt her power drain from her.

What the Team had managed to do was get a Draining Liquid (used manly for daring puss form pustules) and make some modifications using so specially selected things to make it drain her power.

'We know what you are and what you're here for" said Hermione, they really had no idea beyond the fact that she was evil and that the real Cho was dead so this couldn't be her.

The Devil in Cho clothing started crying and spilled everything

"I saw her die, the real Cho, and I thought I could take her place and be popular and everyone would like me! That's all I wanted." She sniveled

Nine, how was a compassionate soul, tried a gentler approach

"But, why would you do that, people might like you as you are."

"No, no, no, people always hate me! No one wants to go to Dev Ill." She shrieked.

"But every one loves my sister, Ange Ill." She said at their inquiring looks.

"I get it! Angel and Devil!" laughed Ron after long silence and was only stopped by Jay kicking him in the shins.

"Isthat all you did it for?" scoffed Jay still glaring at Ron

"I know heaps of people that prefer you to Angles… Ange Ill"

Really sniffed Dev looking hopeful

"Yer, sure." Said Jay casually

"Who?" inquired Ron untactful, scoring him another kick in the shins

"So" said Hermione hastily changing the subject. "You can just leave now and no harm done!" at that Dev burst into another round of tears.

"Realy good at being Cho isnn't she, got the crying down pat." Muttered Harry, whoever he was to far away from Jay so Hermione kicked him instead and reled with "You were the one obsessed with Cho, so why don't you calm her down?"

"We… um… Dev I think you've seen the error of your ways… so you can go back to… Hell?" ask Harry not sure what to say.

At this she started to hyperventilate. "I c-c-can't go back!"

"Why not?" said Jay who was starting to get boarded of this whole thing.

"Because in order to get this human form, I h-h-had to sell my soul to an Angel!" she spluttered.

"This is really just getting stupid" muttered Jay who was now really sick of all this and was tempted to just walk out and just leave "Dev" to work out her own problems.

"Jay, she needs our help!" protested Nine compassionate as always.

Jay rolled her eyes but refrained from comment.

By now the sun was rising and birds were starting to chirp. The entire group was aware that the potions would only last about ten minutes longer. They needed to sort this out know.

"Why don't you just buy you soul back? I'm sure if you explained it nicely this angel would see sense and give it back to you." Said Hermione trying to find a quick solution.

"But it's my sister who has it." She moaned

"What you need to do is just talk to her and reconcile." Comforted Harry

"What she needs is Dr. Phil or maybe Jerry Springer would be more suitable." Fumed Jay who was about to walk out the door.

"That's it!" cried Harry.

"What? Springer?" asked Jay brows raised. Stepping back into the room

"No, but it triggered something." He glanced at the pool of liquid on the ground and then grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. "Did you ever write down the words, or did you just say the deal for your soul?"

"I, just said it I think"

"Write down "Dev Ill's soul" on this piece of paper."

She looked confused but did what he said. Her fingers trembled as she wrote but she did it. When the words where on the paper she looked up worriedly.

"Is that right?"

"If you didn't have a soul them you wouldn't be able to write that!" announced Harry promptly. A smile broke onto her face and she laughed

"I can go home! It's so cold here I can't wait!"

It just happened that the timing was just right; it was at that moment the Capture Spell ran out

"Promise to write!" called Dev as she floated up in the air and zoomed down into the earth's core better known as Hell.

"how did you known that that would work?" asked Ron still befuzzled by the whole thing

"I didn't" said Harry simply, "it's just Springer was on the Simpson and on one of the episodes Bart sells his soul by writing it down and that's then his soul, I thought it was worth a try" he shrugged

"You gotta love The Simpsons" smiled Jay and Nine in unison.

"What'sa Srimpsons?" asked Ron even more confused."

They all laughed heartily as they left the darkened room and explained The "Srimpsons" to Ron

* * *

_And so ended that interesting night for the newly formed group. For they were now undoubtedly a group, there were something that bought people together. It was like the Mafia, once you were in you could get out unless you died. _

_And so the new friends walked out of the Room all secretly wishing that some interesting, fun, life threatening, flamboyant, good vs. evil, intellectual and problematic thing would turn up that they could save people from._

_Little did they know it was waiting for them quiet literally around the corner..._

**Writen by the One and Only ----- The J **


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